Small Portions Cafe by Douglas Fergus

Author:Douglas Fergus [Fergus, Douglas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781737319818
Publisher: Lucky Doug Press

Mint Coffee Pods

I’m a nice guy. I’m kind, understanding, loving, generous, inconsequential, and loquacious—everything any woman would want. I’d be the perfect husband and love my partner more than anything in the world. I would remain faithful and loving all my life. But you see, it will never happen.

If I were you, I would hope that I would never see me. I’m really hideous. My name is Melfrit Nimroyal. Nice name, huh? I understand that most humans on the planet desire a mate who is pleasing to the eye. I wish it weren’t that way. How did that ever get started? Back in cave people times, did average-looking cavemen date only foxy cavewomen? Did beautiful cavewomen reject the affection of homely cavemen? Were there cavewomen who loved their smart-but-bald-and-pot-bellied cavemen?

For four years I have lived in isolation here in the basement of Ernie’s Transmission Repair and Waterbeds. Ernie, the owner of this fine operation, is my only friend. He gave me a chance to work here after all thirty-seven of my job interviewers said, “No thanks.”

I’m too scary-looking to work in the waterbed department, so I stay in the back of the shop, helping to repair transmissions.

Ernie is so nice! Every evening at suppertime, he slides a plate of beef stew under the basement door for me. One day after work I was standing outside doing a Google search on my phone for Do other planets have societies that favor physical beauty over personality and/or intelligence? Ernie walked up with my daily stew delivery. “Hey dair, Melfrit. I been tinkin’ ’bout you an’ dat dilemma uh yours.”

I loved Ernie’s articulation and pronunciation. “Oh, hi, Ernie. What have you been tinkin’—I mean thinking—about?”

Ernie thought for a moment. “You ain’t da prettiest tool in da chicken coop, but you gots good gears goin’ ’round in dat noggin’ uh yours.”

I smiled. “Gosh, Ernie, that’s nice of you to say.”

“I’m tinkin’ you could find yourself somebody in da liberry. Ya know? Like a kin . . . a kimgra . . . a . . .” I interrupted him, “Like a kindred spirit?”

“Yeah! Dat’s it, Melfrit.”

“I like your way of thinking there, Ernie. I promise I’ll give it a try.”

Even in this computer age my town still had a liberry—I mean library. On the next day after Friday, I showered, shaved, put on my Saturday best, and ventured across town to that big old building with lots of books and stuff. They still had a large magazine section, even though the internet was rapidly putting periodical publications out of business.

I began to leaf through Gardening Weekly when I glanced over at a reading table and saw the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She was as odd looking as me! I got excited and started raking quickly through the Gardening Weekly, pretending not to stare. I made several quick glances at her left hand to see if she was married. No! Her finger was naked! Joy to the world! At that moment she got up and glided over to the magazine rack.

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